Unrequited love: The Cari and Ron story
by Maggie Puddles
Summary: Neville gets a new girlfriend, but who is she REALLY interested in? stupid, OOC, one shot, Crackfic.


**A/N: another silly one shot, but for Harry Potter this time! Damn, I'm on a roll. Enjoy! xD**

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It was an average yet magical day at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry, and Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny were relaxing in the common room. They each sat in one of the squishy red armchairs by the fire.

"Hey, Harry," Ron piped up, a smile playing on his lips. "do you want us to leave so that you and Ginny can get to your _snogging_?" Harry did not look amused. He threw a pillow from the red sofa at Ron's head.

"Shut up, Ron. Need I remind you of Lavender?" Ron looked downward in shame, his cheeks turning red. Hermione looked jealous and angrily scowled at Lavender from across the room.

Neville Longbottom came into the room, arm and arm with a girl they'd never seen before. She had blue eyes and hair that was dark brown and pulled back into a short ponytail. She was somewhat tall, not much shorter than Neville.

"Er…hey, Neville. Who's your...friend?" Harry asked, thinking _DAYYUMMMM, I'd tap that. _In a British accent, of course.

"Oh, hey Harry, Ron, Hermione! Ginny." He greeted Ginny curtly because she dumped him after the Yule Ball. He was still bitter…in a British way. Even with his sexy-as-hell new girlfriend. "This is Cari. She's a new student, she transferred from…where was it again?"

"Strawgoh. Its in America." Cari answered, smiling brightly and somewhat mischievously. Ron was the only one who seemed to see the mischievous sparkle.

"Yeah, well, anyway," Neville continued, wiping his nose on his sleeve, "we're going to Hogsmead together today. Are you guys going?" The four shook their heads; they'd decided to stay and study for their potions final. "Alright. Well, we'll see you later then!" and Neville and Cari the new girl walked arm in arm out of the portrait-door of the common room.

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LATER THAT DAY.

"No, it's not lacewing flies, it's dragon scales!" Hermione pompously corrected. Ron and Harry rolled their eyes and continued to copy down Hermione's answers, not even attempting to write their own again.

It was at this time that Neville and Cari came back, still arm in arm. Cari had a "Get this bitch away from me" expression. Only Ron could see it. Harry was just baffled by how hot she was, and Hermione was still studying. But Ron could see that she was faking being with Neville; he could only imagine why.

"I'm going up to the dormitories now, Cari. I'll see you later?" Neville said, turning to his fake girlfriend. She nodded and phony smiled at him, waving as he walked off. Then she went over to the last empty chair in the common room and took a seat, pulling out a book as she did so.

After a while, once the sun had set over Hogwarts, Harry, Hermione, and Ginny went to bed, leaving Ron and Cari alone in the common room. It was a tense and awkward silence for a while, and Ron was debating going upstairs to the dormitories when Cari put her book down and stood up, slowly.

"Boyy, you like a platter of good God wrapped in have mercy with a side of HOT DAMN." She said, sounding like one bad ass mother fucker. (BAMF! XD) Ron looked completely baffled and shocked.

"Um, thank you?" he scratched his fire red hair in confusion. She just smiled 'sexily' and prowled forward.

"You are the hottest fire crotch since Shaun White, Ron."

"Fire crotch? Shaun White? WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?!" he cried, getting scared now. Cari just took another step forward and put her finger on Ron's lips. He started to whimper, in a somehow manly and cute way. She just kept smiling.

"I don't want anyone to hear us, Ronny Valdez." Ron's jaw dropped.

"I'm not Ronny Valdez! I'm Ron! Ron Weasly!" he squeaked, typical of Ron.

"I know. But that name is hot. Now," she stepped behind him and flirtatiously put her hand on his shoulder, then whispered in his ear. "what do you say we go have a little magic of our own, Ronny." she waggled her eyebrows. Ron stepped away and quickly spun around to face her.

"But….but what about Neville?"

"What about him?"

"You…he…so is there not really a Stawgoh magic school in America?" of course Ron would ask the most irrelevant and stupid question. Cari laughed.

"Nah. That's just Hogwarts spelled backwards. Now c'mon, let's go find somewhere _private_ so we can do the hanky panky." she winked and waggled her eyebrows again. Ron backed away slowly, scared for his life.

"No." he squeaked. "I love Hermione! STRANGER DANGER!!" and then Ron proceeded to run away screaming like a little girl. Cari was left standing there in the common room.

"Dammit. Oh well, guess I'll just have to go find Kevin Jonas." and so, Cari left the common room, and Hogwarts, and no one ever saw her again.

THE END?

**A/N: I'm really starting to like these one-shots. They're so much fun! But again, this was much dumber than I thought. xD**


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